What's your plan?

You know you have one. We all do. What would you do if someone broke into your house in the middle of the night and you were all alone?

I've had several plans over the years, most of them involve hiding spots or sneaking out windows. I never had to put any of them into practice and the one time someone was trying to get in my window I was drunk out of my mind and simply yelled at him.

I went out to a bar that night with some friends that were in town shortly after I had moved to Houston. I hadn't really drank a lot for a long time so my tolerance was non-existent (I hate to think what it is now). A friend dropped me back at my place which was this tiny space located in the museum district in Houston. I some how got in my door and collapsed on my bed, clothes and all. I woke up to the sound of my window being rattled. I looked over and saw a homeless guy trying to shimmy it open. I stood up in the dark and just started screaming at him to get the hell away with lots of obscenities. He was probably drunk too and ran off scared out of his mind.

Then for some reason I wanted to open the window to continue yelling. I couldn't get it open because the latch was stuck. When I am drunk, I fight. I might as well be Scottish. I've got many embarrassing stories about that. I thought that a hammer was an excellent tool to pry it open. This resulted in the window breaking and glass falling outside. I didn't want to pay to have the window fixed because I was broke so I did the only thing I could think of, I called 911 and told them a homeless guy broke my window trying to get in. The 911 lady said they would send an officer and I told her that wasn't necessary. In my mind I just wanted it to be on record I called so when my landlord tried to charge me I could protest that it wasn't my fault.

I passed out again. I woke up to loud banging on my door. I groggily got up and remember the whole cops issue. All I could think of was that they were going to arrest me for being drunk. I tried to sober up by jumping up and down a few times but that just made me woozy. I answered the door and they walked in asking if I was ok. I told them the story in my most "I'm drunk off my ass but trying to play cool so I'll annunciate each syllable as perfectly as possible" voice. Then they asked to see the window. Um, ok sure. I took over and showed them. Then the tall officer asked me, why is the broken glass on the outside of the window?

Dammit. This copper is a smart cookie. I looked him in the eye and said, I told you someone tried to break in my window. He said, yes but if someone tried to break in from the outside, the glass would be on the inside of my room. I toughened up and said, um, no it would be on the outside. This debate went back and forth and I lied once more. First you guys have to understand I don't lie. I'm horrible at it and the actual event will make me throw up. Not being able to lie has gotten me in more trouble than if I would just get a better poker face. So for me to pull this off was a miracle.

I told him I was a genetics major and was attending graduate school at the moment. I made up all sorts of bullshit about how a window without plastic support is actually a liquid and since these windows are so old the glass would be thicker at the bottom than the top thus forcing the glass to flip towards the force once the proper amount of pressure was applied.

The officers looked at each other and started to act interested in my explanation. Once I finished they shook their heads like "ooooh" and had me sign some statement as to what happened. I was still waiting for them to take me to jail so when they smiled and left my home I was in shock. I washed my face/took a shower/brushed my teeth and collapsed once more on my bed. The next morning when I woke up I really thought it had all been a dream until I saw the broken window.

So now that I'm in my Miami home all alone, I've had to generate new plans. A robber would not be scared of my screaming here and also wouldn't understand a damn word I say. Plus I have the kids to deal with, what do I do with them? My plan has a major flaw though. That flaw is that in my heart, I don't believe a robber would hurt a child sleeping in a crib. So, my plan is to either crawl into this tiny space in my closet, or hide under this little table in my daughters room. I leave a lamp on in the living room at night so that the robber can easily see his way around and be in and out quickly. That light would also illuminate my kids rooms and he would see the cribs right off the bat and know not to go in there. Of course he would come in my room but by the time he made it back there (b/c remember the alarm is going off), I would already be hiding in my secret spot. He'd want to get out quickly so he'll take what he needs and flee.

Now a daytime robber is different. That is when my acting skills would come into play. Let's say I was out for a walk and I came home to a man standing in my house. If I was close enough to the door I would run like mad with kids in tow. But if I was in the house and it was too late, I would put a huge smile on my face and exclaim, "There you are!!! Thank you for coming!! The computer is right over here!" I'd point to the computer and then say, "Thanks again for taking it off my hands. Just let me know when you have finished fixing it! You still have my number right?!? Oh and here's 20 dollars for the trouble" Hell, I'd even help him unplug it if he wants. There are various versions of this story in my head. Maybe I'll use a mobile jewelry cleaning service if he's in my bedroom. Whatever it may be this plan is also flawed because it is contingent upon the robber speaking english. Which unfortunately probably wouldn't be the case in this town. Not even my mail carrier speaks english. So I need to learn my lines en espanol.

So, do you have a better plan?