Having a second child

I can see the appeal, I really can but we're done with the baby making business.

There is a reason that when you are pregnant, some women will ask you, "is this your first one?" I had always found that a very strange question, but I would answer yes and they would tilt their heads to the side and give me a little grin. It was because, they knew.

Your first child is terrifying. You don't have that been there done that attitude. Every whimper they make is strange and although you can fake it pretty well, you have no damn clue what you are doing. If you're like me, everything seems formulaic. If it worked today and baby's not dead yet, it should work tomorrow.

I also had a hard time with my first babies because I was scared to get too close. This is a problem I've had my whole life. Rarely do I get close to people. It's something I've been working on but my network of deeply close people in my life is very tiny. I tend to be on the defensive. If we're not that close then you can't hurt me.

My poor husband had to endure years of this when we were dating and even some when we first got married. There are times now when he accuses me of not letting him in my little world. Sometimes it's true.

So when the twins arrived I pushed away from them. Of course I loved them as my children but I didn't get too close. Even in old home movies you can see me feeding and holding them as if they are robots. My warmth towards them as a new mother is absent.

I remember peering into their cribs while they were sleeping. I would peek in and see such a small fragile bundle and I'd walk away because my eyes would start to whell up with tears. I loved them so much but I wouldn't let myself love them the way I should have. I saw their survival as a mission and didn't take as much time out to hold them close and just sit. I was so wrong and if I could do it over again with them...I would.

That is why, I think, some people want a second baby. You know they aren't going to die. You know that being a little late for a feeding or missing a nap are not the end of the world. You know that the colds will pass and they'll be ok. You know that you don't have to be perfect and they love you no matter what. I've heard some women say that you "have" your first baby but you enjoy your second.

I do feel bad that I won't get to experience what life is like as an experienced mother but I can only hope that my friends can learn from my mistakes and just not take it all so seriously.