Gettin' out of the funk

Man. I am feeling a million times better. Just like my kids have triggers that set them off into emotional tail spins, I'm discovering my own triggers.

1. Not being around people. Thanks to the weather for a while I've been trapped inside fearing the next thunderstorm. Plans to hang out with various people got cancelled and we all sat on the couch and watched the rain pound down outside. I don't do well with house arrest or social isolation. Solution: Get my butt out of the house more and force people I like to hang out with me.

2. Messy house. I try to not let small things like disorganization and dirty showers get me down. But, they do. When my house is a mess, my head is a mess. I got up and took to my house. I cleaned it up and I feel a million times better. Solution: Clean more as I go.

3. Unplanned days. Getting up in the morning with no idea that we're going to do; making stuff up just to get out of the house and being unprepared when we finally get there; waiting around the house for dad to hurry up and get home...these are all ways to drive me absolutely bonkers. By having an idea (tomorrow we're going to go get lunch here and eat it at this park there, then naptime, then we'll go grocery shopping, then I'll cook dinner) I feel like I'm not just existing here in this house with my kids. Instead, I've got a plan and I have a role (not just lead babysitter). Solution: The day before, plan out what's going down tomorrow!

4. Lack of discipline. Kids are smart and know how to get away with trouble. It's their job. When I start slacking on the discipline my kids will take my inch and run for a mile. All hell starts breaking loose. Tantrum city, hits and kicks. Solution: Throw down the rules and enforce the law.

My triggers are fairly simple but it's so easy to let them slide in the day to day activities. I'm making more of an effort this week and can already feel the changes taking place. I don't like feeling like I'm trapped.

Copy cat

I found this on a friend of a friends blog. It made me cry. Why? because it's exactly how I feel right now...and I feel like a loser that I had to find it on someone else's BLOG and copy and paste it as my own feelings. But, it's also freeing to know that if at least one other person is feeling this...there are many many more.

"okay.. so i have to just post about why i haven't been posting much.

just know that when it's been a WHILE since i posted.. it's usually because one of two things:

1. i'm busy and having fun in life

2. i'm miserable and don't wanna post how depressed i am.

i know... you are gonna wonder next time aren't you!! HAH

CAUTION: i do NOT want ANY comments telling me how "wonderful i am" and how "everyone loves me" and blah blah blah. enos tells me that like every day and so it doesn't mean anything.

I am posting this because i think sometimes you just have to be REALLY real with your blogging audience. and so.... here i go (sick feeling in the pit of my stomach).... (i'm adding an extra dot for my sister who HATES when people use four dots instead of three.. so THERE!)...



I really hate my situation right now. I hate feeling alone every day. I hate going to play group and feeling out of place and like i could be dead and nobody would care. I hate nobody getting me. i hate that i'm in limbo with friendships. I hate that i don't make a bigger effort to put myself out there. i hate that people don't reach out to me anymore. i hate not having a BEST FRIEND anymore. I hate that i am so anxious to make friends that i act weird around people. like, not myself, weird. a different weird. an awkward, trying too hard weird.

I wish i had somewhere to go everyday. someone who told me to "get my butt over here!" randomly.

I am the kind of person who does TERRIBLE in large groups. i clam up and end up seeming really boring and bland when i don't consider myself to be either.

I LOVE one on one time where you are laughing and joking the whole time and being honest with each other and really just connecting. I miss having a best friend.

I wish i had someone who was just as eager to see me as i am to see them.

I want to do wacky things every day but feel like everybody is too busy or stressed to do them with me.

I hate that i know some of the other mothers will read this and feel like they have to say HI to me all the time... GREAT. nothing like fake, obligation hi's.


I hate that i'm feeling sorry for myself right now and i don't want to but i have to scream this out on the blog to get it out there.. to make it the last time i feel sorry for myself. i don't want to talk about this EVER AGAIN while i'm here in San Fran so i'm making this post all about the wallowing and self pity that i've been having so that i can get it out of my system and MOVE ON!!! I also want to use this as reference so when it happens again i can look back and see how i overcame it "last time".

The thing is.. i know that somewhere.. someone i know is feeling this way too but they aren't speaking out either and so we are BOTH feeling lonely when we COULD be hanging out regularly but instead we are both sad separately. that SUCKS."

and that is that. Too bad this girly lives thousands of miles away or we could hang out.

Divorce

I never thought about divorce until I had kids. In no way shape or form do I want to divorce my husband but the thought of it had never even crossed my mind pre-kids.

N^3 and I were talking about this and it is true. Before you have kids, you view divorce as, well if your husband is an asshole, or cheats on you, or doesn't put away the dishes, just divorce his ass, be a strong woman and move on with your life. Women who stay in shitty relationships are weaklings.

Yet, once the little ones pop out, it becomes clear the complications of divorce. More needs have to be met. When it's just you and your man, the only one you need to take care of is yourself when you leave the relationship. When you have children they instantly zoom up into the top priority of life. Staying together so the kids will not have to endure the separation, the alternating weekends, the stigma of having divorced parents. Also, there is a huge financial component to deal with. Kids are freaking expensive. They aren't expensive as in, oh I'll have to stop drinking my daily Starbucks expensive, think, holy crap I can't get my hair cut without going broke expensive.

If you are a stay at home mom, what are you supposed to do? If you separate you have to go back to work to support your kids, which means you won't see them, which means your life with your children is strained. Spending time with your kids may be worth it to endure a failed marriage. How crazy does that sound when you're not a parent yet.

If you are already working how are you supposed to be a single parent when you've gotten so used to the swing of dual parenting? You probably hate how little time you get to spend with your child, now it's going to be even less because you are going to have to share custody!

Anyway, crazy topic, but it's amazing to me how in your early 20s you just think you know everything. When you get married you really think you know everything and when you have a baby you think you know everything. What's the next step? I feel pretty knowledgeable right now. What do I have no idea about.....

(once again reiterating: happy in my marriage, no desire for divorce, thinking out loud...ok creeping back out the door)

Leave them alone. Moms of Multiples (MOMs).

Today I was coming out of an appointment, shivering from the cold table I laid on forever and I noticed a crowd of people that had gathered at the front of the building. I gave the valet my ticket and kind of peeked over to see what the hubbub was about.

There was a young woman with triplet girls, trying to get them into her car. I'm not kidding when I say there were 10-12 people crowded around her stroller and the car.

"Honey! how do you manage!" "Oh My God! Are they triplets!" "Uh uh, no thank you, you are a better woman than I" "Were they natural!" "Are they good babies" "Do you have help at night!" "OMG!"

I felt so bad for this poor woman. All she wanted to do is load her 3, 5 month old triplets into her car and these people would not leave her alone. They kept getting in her way and goochie-gooing the babies. She was trying to keep her focus as to, have I buckled "A" in properly, where is "B"s pacifier, is "C" upset right now....etc. Yet people felt that she had become community property along with her babies.

Being a mom of twins I get that a lot too. Question after question. Including my most hated question, "Were they natural?!?" How that is anyone's business, I have no idea.

I was about 5 seconds away from stepping in and asking the crowd of people to please step back and give the lady some space. But, my car drove up and I thought it best to just leave her be.

So, here is my public service announcement to all out there. If you see a Mom of Multiples, leave her alone. She does not care if you think the babies are cute. She does not care if you know someone who also has multiples. Hell, she does not even care if you are a multiple. She is busy, stressed and trying to focus at the task at hand.

The best thing you could do is a polite smile and walk away, or if you have more balls, ask the crowd of people to take a step back, the freak show is over.

It ain't all true until the ELISA says so...

Spontaneous CSF Leak

Went to the doctors office, we talked, he looked, he bent my head over and collected the clear fluid that streamed out of my right nostril with ease and my CT scan is scheduled for next Wednesday. I hope this is a short road. The doctors words of "sorry hun" were not that comforting.

Life lessons

They came too late for me. Sadly my mommy never taught me, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. In fact, it was more like, if you've got something to say, speak up!

I'm starting to think the former advice would have been better. See, the thing with me is, you can pretty much say anything to me and I will either rationalize it or make a joke out of it. What's funny is I get more angry at people for NOT saying something to me when they think it.

So what am I getting at? I am trying my best to learn to not be a bully. I have to understand that some people can not roll with the punches like I do. In fact, a punch to them may be just the thing they didn't need or couldn't handle. I'm not like that because I pride myself in proving I can handle anything, much to my own demise...

Nonetheless. I need to work harder at it. I need to think before I speak, I need to pause before I type things out, I am in fact a bully most of the time. Maybe it was my mommy's fault, maybe it was because I had nothing but guy friends for a long time, but I have to realize that people can't handle the punches like I can.

Because no one cares

Introduction:

Ever since I got sick with what I believe to be food poisoning, I have had clear fluid draining from my right nostril (only). In addition I've had splitting headaches and a general feeling of blah. Upon mentioning this phenomenon to an ENT, she referred me to a otolaryngologist in downtown Dallas. She was concerned it could be cerebral spinal fluid (CSF) leaking out of my nose even though I've had no traumatic injuries. Her conclusion was it was better to be safe than sorry and check it out.

Hypothesis:

Because this appointment is two weeks away and I'm impatient, especially since we're dealing with my freaking brain here, I decided to run a home test. The clinical test involves testing the provided fluid for the presence of beta-2-transferrin and glucose (5-50mg/dL) both exclusive to CSF and not other mucuosal secretions. Therefore, I intend to use over the counter glucose clinic strips to determine the likelihood that the shit dripping from my nose is fucking CSF.

Materials:

Positive control: Chick-Fil-A Coca-Cola, negative control: filtered water, Sample: freaking damn liquid from my nose (freshly collected by inverting my head for approximately 5 seconds and then bringing it upright and catching the junk), Clinicstix (sensitivity of 50mg/dL), paper towel, camera, time.

Results:

Test strips were placed in all three liquids at the exact same time. Time configuration was as instructed per package directions. Positive control revealed dark intensity as expected. Negative control showed no color change as expected. Sample provided indicated a slight color change when compared to negative control and chart on the Clinicstix package. Above picture shows sample strip placed upon container, the orange and green spectrum from the fluorescent light makes colors bland. Below picture shows strips in this order: Positive control, Negative control, Sample

Discussion:

Although the color change was slight, it was still a change and not exactly what I was hoping for in this experiment. The camera and the green fluorescent lighting also did not provide the ideal backdrop for the pictures taken and if the test is repeated I will use sunlight which has a more white spectrum and will show what was visible to the naked eye.

In addition, the concentration of glucose in CSF can be as low as 5mg/dL up to 50mg/dL in the average Joe. The minimum sensitivity of the Clinicstix test is 50mg/dL, therefore it is possible that the test strips may not provide the accuracy that is needed. But since I don't have a centrifuge to concentrate my sample, nor do I have a mass spectrophotometer hanging around, this is going to have to do until now.

The test did not however show an immediate dark color, such as the positive control, therefore I did not drive my ass to the ER and bust down the door screaming, my brain fluid is leaking!!!!

But, if I can not hold out another two weeks, this event may occur. In closing, this test was an excellent way to kill some naptime time and is what happens when my husband goes to play golf and leaves his nerdy wife home alone.

9:13

I have a small problem that follows me around. It's name is 9:13. It seems like whenever I look at a clock, the time is 9:13. I realize this event only happens twice a day, however the damn time follows me wherever I go. Each time I see it, it sends chills down my spine because I don't know what the metaphysical world is trying to tell me.

Will something tragic happen at 9:13 in my life. Should I stay indoors all of September 2013?

Every September 13th, I promise you I am on guard.

What do you want 9:13...why do you follow me.

**the blurry picture is from a trip to NY in 2006 that I took with my parents. We were walking down the street and I looked up to find 9:13 staring down at me. I exclaimed, you gotta be freakin' kidding me. I showed it to my mom, explained to her about my 9:13 haunting and she told me it was all a random coincidence. uh huh.

My honeymoon

You may or may not know this but I had a horrible honeymoon. My wedding was all a blur because none of my friends kindly got married before me so none had any advice to offer up. I had to learn everything the hard way and was convinced I needed a bouquet of Lily of the Valley or else my marriage would fail.

My wedding stressed me the hell out. It was awful. I couldn't fit into my wedding dress on my wedding day. If you look at my pictures I look like I'm suffocating. Why? Because I'm in physical pain. Thank you for the excellent seamstress who put all the boning in, sorry I gained 10 freaking pounds from the time of my final fitting to the day of my wedding.

So why was my honeymoon so awful? Well, my husband said he would plan it. And like a man, he planned a place for us to go and how to get there. Once we got there he was like, "so what do you want to do?" I said, "well what did you plan for us to do?" He said, "oh, nothing". All of the excursions were booked up he hadn't looked at the area so we had no idea what was down the road and we had no transportation. Ok, details. But here's really why my honeymoon sucked.

Not only was I on my period, but I had a UTI because I was passing another kidney stone. Awesome!

I was also so exhausted from my wedding stress extravaganza (ps we lost our reception place 3 months before the wedding) that I slept the entire week we were there. My husband likes to joke about it but it's the truth. I think there are only two pictures of me conscious during our stay, every other picture is of me sleeping at some location at the resort.

The icing on my shit honeymoon was brought to me by the Animal Planet en Espanol. While lying in bed half awake at 2pmish I was surfing through the channels (because we had nothing freaking planned to do) and I came across a program about Hippos. I love animals, I love hippos, so I was intrigued.

I nestled down and started watching. This was a documentary following a bloat of hippos (ya I freaking know that!). A mama hippo had just given birth and they were documenting the rest of the bloat accepting the baby hippo. They showed the baby nursing on it's mom, they showed the mom nuzzling her little baby. After a few weeks it was time for the mom to bring the baby to the bloat and introduce her little bundle of joy.

Mama bring in the baby and the other hippos circle around it. The baby hippo is having a good time splashing with all of its aunts and uncles and the mama is right next to it and I swear she was smiling. THEN a bitch aunt of the hippo comes between mama and her baby. The group gathers around the baby and starts tearing at it with their huge fucking teeth and jump on top of it pushing it underwater. The baby is screaming for it's mom, the mom is screaming for it's baby and after a few minutes, everything is quiet and you see the baby float to the top of the blood filled water.

The other hippos nonchalantly swim away and the mama is left their to nuzzle and grieve over baby. She stayed with her baby for almost two days bellowing out the saddest moans and cries you've ever heard, before finally leaving it to go rejoin the group. The closing remarks were, "and the bloat had decided to not accept the baby into their family." Cue music and The End.

What. The. Fuck. Now picture me, emotional and in pain, sitting up in bed with my mouth open and tears streaming down my face. My husband walked in and asked what was the matter (very concerned) I told him they killed the baby, they fucking killed the baby. Right in front of the mama. He turned to the TV terrified thinking it was a human and he said...The Rhinos? Why are you watching Animal Planet?!?

I ran out of the room, got another drink and sat on the beach in my misery thinking about the poor baby hippo.

I can never look at hippos the same again

Entitlement

When did being a mom become the end-all-be-all of life?

I've talked to my mom and my grandmother at length about this. I have trouble understanding why motherhood has been put waaaaaaaaaaay up on a pedestal. The more and more moms I meet the more and more I don't like the majority of them. Not because they're moms, but I don't like them personally. I think they're elitists, constantly trying to one up each other on who is fulfilling the ideal role of mom the best.

According to my mom and grandmother, mom-dom used to be, you have a child, you raise it and that's that. Both of them blame the media and TV for the over-hyped notion of being a mother. As moms, they didn't compete with other moms, and they didn't try to outdo one another in every single category. They were just women who happened to also be raising kids. They would share advice here and there but ultimately, everyone just did their job and that's that.

Where did it come from? I blame Gerber, Johnson & Johnson, Babies R Us and Le Leche League. Gerber and Johnson & Johnson have made it a marketing goal for women to "do only what's best" for their babies. "Because I only want the BEST for my baby. Other women do X but I do what's BEST."

Babies R Us can send mothers into a frenzy thinking that if they do not buy this one specific item, their baby might die. If you don't buy a microwave steam sterilizer, you might as well throw the baby off a cliff.

Le Leche League has turned thousands of women into lactating martyrs. My mom said that back in the day, if breast feeding wasn't working out so well, you just gave your baby formula and didn't feel the slight bit guilty about it. No one looked down on you, no one critisized you, it was just the choice you made.

I breast fed my twins for three and a half weeks. Had it not been for Le Leche League, I would have only breast fed them 1 week. Instead, I endured two and a half weeks of shear agony and pain from mastitis and thrush, coupled with endless nights and screaming babies. Each feeding session I broke down into tears and prayed for it all to just end. But on my side table, there sat the damn Le Leche League nursing guide. Where it told me I was an inferior mother if I didn't stick with it. Nurse through the pain, pump to make a ridiculous supply for the both of them, and damn it, don't be a quitter.

For those of you without kids you may thing "Blessed Wife and Mommy L" is simply one crazy mom. Nope. There are many of them like that out there. Martyrs.

She talked about how she had NEVER left her children with a daycare or a babysitter. Seems like a strange thing to be proud of to me. Yet I've met more and more women who brag about this fact. "Well, I've never spent a night away from my kids and they're almost in high school." That's fine if that's their choice, but it's a strange thing to be proud of. Because by inference they are saying that women who take a night off, go on a date with their husband or even a vacation are less of a mother than them.

If women do not feel comfortable leaving their children, that is all well and fine. No one's going to put you down. However, when these women put mom's who want more in life down, it really irks my hide, because it further perpetuates the notion that leaving your baby=evil.

The women's liberation movement was a glorious thing, but it also has its negative effects. Women feel empowered and want due credit for anything they do. Rightfully so, but when it comes at the expense of tearing each other apart, what's the point?

I'm the world's greatest mom to my kids but the world's shittest mom to some outsiders. My kids eat peanut butter, we don't buy all organic, I send them to Mother's Day Out so I can have some alone time, I let them run around at the park while I sit on a bench and on occasion I leave their cute little butts at home while I go out with my hubby or have some fun myself.

I suppose it's all about perspective, but from my perspective, the martyrs seem to be pretty damn miserable.

yep.

...and thus it has continued.

Beloved Wife and Mommy L: Your just a shitty person.

Seems like you have your head shoved so far up your OWN butt that you can't see hurting people surrounding you.

I doubt that you have ever truly even lost a child - If you had you certainly would walk around talking like you know it all and that your shit doesn't stink. You would have empathy towards other people and not treat COMPLETE STRANGERS LIKE CRAP!

You are NO better than me. You are NOT above me. You are a crappy mom if you can't wait to send them off to school just so you can be SELFISH and have the day to yourself and LET SOMEONE ELSE RAISE YOUR CHILD!!

I am homeschooling my children because I know my children and LOVE My children better than anyone else and because that is my JOB and MY DESIRE and because I serve a mighty God!!!!!

You are just a sucky person stop writing to me - stop giving CRAPPY answers to peoples questions - nobody likes a person like you..

Me: Well hey hey! I thought you went away. But I see you pulled a clever trick. Wait a day to reply back so that in my retort I can not accuse you of being on the internet all day, because you waited a whole 23 hours to reply to my last email; Smarty McSmarterson.

You know, I've been thinking, what makes you so twitchy and then it hit me. Look, let's be friends, I've noticed that your grammar is quite terrible (You're a shitty person, not YOUR a shitty person...empathy vs sympathy) and you haven't quite learned the proper use of capitalization or punctuation. Seeing as you will be homeschooling your children, this worries me. So, in the interest of bettering humanity, I'm going to offer you a deal.

When I used to tutor I charged $25 an hour, but seeing as we are old friends by now, I'll only charge you $18 an hour. This way, we can work on your issues, not just emotional, but grammar and hell, because I'm such a nice person, I'll even throw in basic mathematics (ex. One lady + one computer - attentive husband + crazy glue = a wiener dog) .

Also, I "almost" minored in religion during college so if you would like some help on certain parts of the bible, such as "thou shalt not call thy fellow wo-man sucky" I can help you with those parts too. Unless, the almighty God you're refering to is Buddah, Dumbledore or the like. I wouldn't feel right tutoring you in religions other than Christianity because I'm not as well versed but I could link you to some other transcedents.

Let me know when we can set up our first lesson! I'm free all days but Thursday.

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: Are you crazy! I don't need your help - why would I want you to help me after you've been such an awful person. You no who needs help - YOU.

Me: Ok, ok. $15 an hour if you throw in gas money.

***********************UPDATE************************

I'm a flamer!

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Examples of why I'm going to hell.

The bad thing about the internet is the anonymity I feel. This not good for me because in my internal dialog I pretty much shoot from the hip and say what I feel. Luckily, in public I can restrain myself (sometimes), however I find on the internet I just let it all loose.

Here is a recent conversation that took place on a mom e-letter, similar to the breast feeding one a few months ago. sigh.

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: Someone mentioned to me the book called Baby Wise. Has anyone read this? What did you think? I am in need of some advice dealing with a 5 month old who fights sleep for hours and then wakes up 3,4, 5 times at night!

Me: I am a huge advocate of the BabyWise and ChildWise program, however I have to warn you that you need to read the whole book through to understand the program first. Don't just skip to the middle section of trying to get your baby to sleep through the night. It needs to all be read in full. Good luck.

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: Thanks! I simply don't really have time to read a book though could you just give me the ways so we can start doing something thanks.

Me: Are you kidding me? You asked specifically about a book. You want me to sit here and summarize a book for you because you are too lazy to read it for yourself? For the benefit of your child, take the time to get educated. Get off the internet and pick up a book.

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: Why on earth would you feel the NEED to be SO RUDE? Do you have ANY clue as to what I have been through the past few years? No, I didn't think so. You think I am this lazy - sit on the internet day and night kind of mom apparently! Well that couldn't be farther from the truth - my kids have NEVER stepped foot in a daycare or babysitters house - I am soon to be homeschooling - we have 4 daughters..3 here with us and 1 in HEAVEN. SO please don't tell me to get off the internet and pick up a book!

Have you ever suffered a miscarriage? I doubt it and I certainly PRAY that you never ever experience such incredible pain! My precious daughter died the day before my birthday. Right after she died we found out that our 3rd daughter was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect she barely survived!! And now we have our 5 month old... sooo as you can see I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE! A LOT MORE THAN THE INTERNET!!

The next time you want to write a snide comment about someones question maybe you THINK about what the other mom is going through!?! I don't think I said "hey if you feel like making me feel like a crappy mom feel free to put me down, thanks!" - Nope - all I was doing is seeking ADVICE and ENCOURAGEMENT from mommies who are in the same situatoin as us! I cannot believe this..I am really just taken back by this - all of this. You are the first RUDE comment I have ever received from someone on ********** - so I am shocked. My husband and I just moved to Texas - 500 miles away from friends and family so I DO GO TO ******** looking for advice! If that is a problem for you then perhaps you should stop reading from this website???

And who are you to tell me to 'get off the internet' - it seems like you are wasting YOUR time to respond to my "stupid" question????

Im sorry for 'blowing up' at you - but you really should think about things before you write them or say them to people. You have NO idea if they are going through a personal HELL - like following the death of their precious child!!

I suppose I should 'get off the internet now'!

Me: Dude. Did you just play the dead baby card. Seriously. According to your time line you miscarried years ago. And you're still playing the dead baby card? Look, we've all got our dead babies, miscarriages, infertility, D&Cs, moving and whatnot issues. It's just life. You seem to be the type of woman desperate for attention and I will clarify my point in two examples. 1) the fact you brought up a dead baby in the context about not having time to read a book. 2) on ******** you have listed over 20 questions in the last 30 days, questions including (but not limited to) why won't my baby hold her own bottle? what are you expecting for a mothers day present? why does my baby cry at bedtime? why doesn't my baby like carrots? All questions looking for sympathy or group internet hugs. It appears you have time to whine into cyberspace. In the time it took you to hammer out that long rambling email you could have read the first 3 chapters in BabyWise.

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: You are NOT worth any of my time. I think you are rude and would appreciate it if you NEVER responded to any of my questions on ********* again - comments like yours are the reason so many women/moms turn away from seeking help and encouragement. You come to a wonderful website looking for some great tips and pieces of advice and then get 'slapped in the face' by someone like you and that is just stupid!

Me: Yep. Could have read another chapter instead of writing that email. You could have been a third of the way through the book.

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: I don't need this from you! All I want is help getting my 5 month old to sleep at night and you are criticizing me for it.

Me: I think we're up to chapter 5 by now. But this is the one that deals with burping your baby so you could have skipped this one and moved onto chapter 6. Interesting that you hate reading and yet are choosing to home school your daughters. Is the big scary world just too much for you?

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: Stop EMAILING ME. I choose to homeschool my children because there are many lies being taught in our American school system. There are perverts that sit in parking lots at schools just waiting to take little girls. Teachers and students have easy access to drugs and there is a lack of supervision by anyone who is supposed to be looking after them! I will not subject my daughters to these places. I don't want to hear anymore from you. Thanks!

Me: So moving onto Chapter 7, if you had followed the rest of the program your baby would probably be sleeping through the night by now. You're the one who started it and appear to be one of those women who have to have the last word in everything. I'm sorry that you hate America so much and big scary words like "evolution". oooooooooooooo did I just creep you out. A little bit? maybe?

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: I'm reporting you to ******** if keep emailing me.

Me: :-P (psst. Chapter 8)

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: Do you seriously have nothing better to do?

Me: Chapter 9. I think you've finished the book! How's she sleeping?

Blessed Wife and Mommy L: I reported you.

Me: .

Other ways I've changed.

I used to be very concerned with other people's well being. If a fellow friend of mine got too drunk at a bar, I'd turn into mother hen and make sure she didn't do something stupid, that she got some food in her belly, that she got home safely. Hell, I'd even call and check on her the next day and maybe show up with some hang over remedy material.

My ability to have a good time when I went out was always thrown down the tube because I was worried about another person who didn't seem to be able to take care of themselves.

Yet another attribute that has changed post-children.

Last night I went to a friend's bachelorette party. I didn't care about times or arrangements for things. I didn't care if we had enough seats for everyone. I didn't care about hurting this stupid bitch's feelings when she got so drunk she was grabbing people's boobs.

I found myself telling this girl (who by the way was not the bride) to sit down and shut the hell up. When she got into a fight in the bathroom, I didn't care. When she forgot to close out her tab, I didn't care.

Most notably, when we all returned back to the hotel this girl was begging someone to take her home (ie someone end their fun and shuttle this tramp 30 minutes away to her home). She refused to take a cab, her husband wouldn't answer the phone and she just wanted to lay down in the lobby and sulk in her drunk ass misery.

Yep, fine by me. I continued having a good time and didn't give a damn.

In the words of Bernie Mac, She was a grown-ass woman. Figure it out.

A few years ago, I would be babysitting this girl, getting her water, finding a way to get her in a cab and/or driving her home and missing out on my fun, all because she was an idiot.

Times have changed. Precious is the time I have to go out and have fun, I dare anyone to try and ruin it for me.

One of the other girls had her keys so she couldn't do anything that would put someone else in harms way, but we just left her drunk ass in the middle of a hotel lobby with the staff watching her.

Turns out they convinced her to get in a cab and go home. Good for them. I wonder what happened with her keys and how she's going to get her car today after she battles her horrific hangover? But in my new leaf, I really don't give a damn.

The little things

Stuff experienced mom's already know but newbies may not

- Do not announce that it is "Time to Go" until it is really time to exit out the door. Saying, "Come on let's go!" before socks, shoes, bags and whatnot are on and ready makes for very impatient children. Go means go so don't say the word otherwise you'll be prying their hands off the door handle to get a jacket on them.

- Park next to the basket/cart return. Just because you have children does not mean you should ignore social courtesies. Parking your car right next to it allows you to grab a basket to throw your bundle(s) in and also allows a quick return of the cart to its rightful place.

- Do an activity before feeding in the morning. When your newborn baby wakes up in the morning, do NOT shove a bottle or boob straight in their mouth. Change their diaper, change their clothes, do a dance around the room to a song, SOMETHING. Otherwise when you drop the bottle/boob, your baby is going to be quite miffed when they are not instantly met with some snacks. I'm not talking a half hour or anything but at least 1 minute of something other than shoving something in their mouth. It also teaches them that their reward for waking up in the morning is you! (awww smile) not their tasty breakfast shake.

- Let them smash their finger in a drawer at least once. Don't yank their hand out the way. It's the only way they will learn that it hurts and stop doing it.

- Don't let them carry their sip cups all over the house. I'm mega guilty of this and it's on my "to do" list to break. Drinks belong on a shelf or table during the day and on their tray/table at meals. Letting them just carry it around everywhere leaves you cleaning up messes and teaches them to just toss it wherever they please.

- Make something off limits. Pick something. One figurine, one lamp, one pillow...something! and have a zero tolerance rule for it. Teaching them "no touch" on something at home can prepare you for when you go out in public or to another person's (un-babyproofed) house. If they have never heard "no touch!" or have never been punished for touching something you told them not to, you're in for a battle in public.

I reserve the "NO TOUCH!" command to use only in serious circumstances. It has worked wonders, when we're at a doctors office and they are reaching for the instruments, all I have to say is "No touch!" and their hands quickly recoil.

- I feel the same way with STOP! I never say "stop" in the house (like if they are running away from me because they don't want a bath). The only time I say it is if we are outdoors and it's something serious. Like running into a parking lot or street. We practice "Stop" at home in the driveway. They know mama means business when I say that word.

- Sometimes whispering something in their ear means more to them than yelling.

- Give them their own drawer or cabinet. My kids have their own drawer in my bathroom and their own drawer in the kitchen. It's full of their stuff (plastic food, toys and utensils in the kitchen and old empty bottles and containers (empty deodorant, travel size shampoo bottles etc.) in the bathroom). That way they can have some ownership of something without rummaging through your junk. When they open your cabinets and drawers, tell them that that is not theirs....but THIS drawer is theirs. Ask them frequently where their drawer is and let them show you the stuff inside, it's kind of fun because they tend to squirrel stuff away in there.

- Constantly throw away toys. I hate what I call "shit toys" those little tiny things that come in kids meals or little plastic rings. That stuff that just collects and takes up space. Let them play with it for a week but then toss it!

Separation Anxiety

This has been one of the toughest battles for me as a mom. People I talk to often tell me that their children have separation anxiety too, and I'm not alone. No.

What their children have is separation sadness. They cry when they get dropped off at school or fuss when you leave the room. My children freak the fuck out.

It's tough on the nerves. You know it's coming but you still plaster a smile on your face that says, it's ok guys! Really! Stop freaking the fuck out! I will come back!

Here's an example of my children's separation ANXIETY.

They wake up this morning and see their bags and sack lunches on the kitchen counter. Both start screaming and throw themselves on the ground. They refuse to get dressed but run around the house hiding in different locations. After 30 minutes of screaming and wrestling children, I finally get them loaded into the car.

But as I tried to load them into their car seats they kick me in my face not once but three times resulting in a bruise to my left temple. They convulse and scream trying to get out of their car seats. My son just cries hard and yells, but my daughter exclaims NO NO NO NO MAMA NO NO MAMA!!!!!

I put the car into gear and head off for school. The whole 3 minute drive is filled with complete shit fits from the backseat. I exit the car to grab them. They now cling to their car seats like they are about to fall off a cliff. I unwrap their tiny fingers from the straps and they rear back like untamed horses bucking up and down. People stare.

I can only handle one at a time so I rush my son in first. He has both arms and legs wrapped around me and his face buried into my shirt. I hand him off to the teacher and he throws himself down on the ground hyperventilating and looks like he's having a seizure. His eyes are fixed and he becomes stiff as a board while pausing to draw quick breaths in between growls (b/c his screams now sound like animal growls).

Go back get daughter who is screaming so loud I can hear her before I even get to the car. Get her out, she hits me in my face a few times and clings heavily to me once she realizes I outweigh her. Go back to the classroom where the teacher is on the floor with my son trying to get him to snap out of his state.

Hand my daughter off to the teacher. The teacher has to lean backwards so her face can avoid the fury of kicks and punches she's throwing at her lower body region.

My son sees me jumps up and runs his head into the door. Again. Again. Falls to the ground and begins his convulsions once more but this time throws in gagging.

I walk away and even though I didn't think it was possible, the screams get louder and the stares get longer. All the other moms are standing in the hallways gossiping about whatever the morning topic is, my assumption is that the topic begins with, What the hell is wrong with that woman's children? Other children whimper a bit or run into their classrooms smiling from ear to ear.

As I exit the building, I can still hear both of my children screaming. Even as the door shuts, it penetrates the outer glass of the building.

That my friends, is separation anxiety.

They say it has to do with high intelligence. The ability of young children to know and predict when their parents will leave them. I just keep telling myself that.

A rose is a beautiful waste of time.

#1

#2

Back in the day before kiddos, I used to love arranging flowers. In fact if you had a birthday or special event, you were going to get flowers arranged by me. Since the arrival of the cute little time suckers however, I haven't had the time, energy or money to do such useless things.

Luckily spring has arrived along with my garden flowers. After hacking away 5 lawn and leaf sized bags of weeds, I felt I deserved a reward. I ignored the kids for a good 30 minutes as I arranged my pickings. When I was finished I set my prize on the dining room table for...no one to look at. I need to gather more friends man! Or at least those that don't work long hours or have families. ...and since we're in our 30s, well, that negates about everyone in my area. darn.

My husband did walk past them several times and after I gave up and said, "hey? do you like my flowers." I got a good solid, "oh ya, nice." At least my daughter said pwetee.

Toughen up.

I'm not the world's best gardener. In fact, I'm pretty bad at it. In Miami, it was easy, everything grows there and you can throw a rock and find someone to take care of it for you. Back here in Texas, gardening is taking hard work and lots of sweat equity.

Yesterday I was out weeding while the kids were playing in the backyard with me. The backyard was in such bad shape that some of the weeds were indistinguishable from all the bulb flowers I've got going on in the garden. But I had an easy system. Simple tug. If it came out, it was a weed if it didn't, it was a bulb.

As my kids played in yard they whined here and there about various things. She took my toy, he touched my toy, he looked in the direction and possibly thought about taking my toy. My answer, "Figure it out!" I yelled across the yard. They quickly got the sense that mom wasn't going to referee. I referee all day and so much, I'm thinking about getting a cool stripy shirt.

Then as my kids fell in various places, got their shoes stuck in the mud, got dirt and grass on their hands, they'd cry out and shed a few alligator tears. Not so much my son, he doesn't care, but my daughter doesn't like to be dirty or fall to her knees...even in soft grass.

My response was a haunting reminder of my childhood. "Toughen up!" I'd yell while digging through the immense weeds and clover. She'd whine a bit more then stand up and keep walking. "Toughen up young lady!".

My childhood was not worthy of a Lifetime movie but I was definitely expected to be thick skinned. It made me who I am today. There's not a situation or a crisis I can't handle with a calm head. I'm tough. I'm resilient. I can change my own oil and filter. It's all I've ever known.

I thought about my gardening technique. Picking off the weak ones. If your roots weren't hanging tight, you got thrown in the trash. Those with thick tough skin were spared and lived another day. I'm going to have to find a balance.

I want my kids to be thick skinned but not so thick they resent me for it. There's a lot of anger in my childhood that over the years I've learned how to erase. I have no desire to perpetuate the past but kids today need to learn how to dust themselves off and keep going. Establish their long deep roots so that when life tries to pick them off, they can hold firm and persist.

(instead of crying wolf and filing a lawsuit).

My prayer for new moms.

I hope you read all the books, yet follow your heart and instincts first...

that you lean on your friends and not push them away out of pride or fear...

please forgive yourself for all the mistakes you are about to make...

believe that you know what's best for you child even though someone will always disagree with you...

trust in yourself and conquer the problems head on...

listen to those who have been there before instead of trying to know all...

know that the long nights will end and (believe it or not) you will actually miss them...

have faith in your husband, he really is trying, but is more terrified than you could ever imagine...

there's always tomorrow and twice does not a habit make...

envelope yourself in the emotions instead of fighting them away...

cry all day if you need to and laugh at every single turn...

hold them tight before they push you away...

you need not impress anyone but the woman in the mirror...

and know that you are never alone.

Amen.

Sam the snake

We were driving down my mother in laws street when I shrieked. In fact, the voice that came out of me was one I had never heard before. Why did I squeal in horror? There happened to be a SIX FOOT SNAKE walking across the road.

I have never seen a snake that large before in my life. I don't count the ones I see behind glass at the zoo. This thing was slithering and S'ing across the road.

Both of the kids were sitting in their car seats and perked up to see what mom was screaming at. I asked my mother in law, What Do We DO! Do we kill it! What is it!

She said it was probably a water moccasin and I dove down into my memory banks and remembered there are only 4 poisonous snakes in Texas (compared to the over 50 in Miami). Water moccasins, Copperheads (Cotton Mouths), Rattlesnakes, and Coral Snakes.

I asked sheepishly, do we kill it? She said, we have to. So, we began to inch slowly forward in her luxury SUV. I buried my head in my hands and couldn't look. I felt the tires go "bump, bump" and my eyes started tearing up. I loudly asked, "Is it dead?!?!?!" as I looked in the passengers sideview mirror. All I saw was a snake writhing about in pain and flopping from side to side. I screamed again.

I yelled out, hit it again, hit it again! It's in pain!!!!! Images of the snakes family flew into my mind. What if this snake was just out shopping for dinner so it could feed it's little snake family. It had looked both ways before it crossed the road but it didn't expect that my kids would want to go to the park at that very moment. Maybe it was a teenage snake out for it's first adventure without mommy and daddy snake. It was told to be home before dark and he lovingly wrapped it's tail around mom and said, don't worry mommy, I'll be home soon.

Bump, bump! We hit it again. I looked..still writhing. We hit it again. ...then again. Then one final time. Finally it stopped moving.

We drove off to the park and I tried to tell myself that it was for the best. It would have killed either of my children had they encountered it. Survival of the fittest. We had an SUV, it had thin skin.

When we came back from the park, it was still in the road, but it had moved off to the side. Meaning it slithered slowly in pain until it reached it's final death location. I got out of the car and took a picture of it because I wanted to look it up when I got home.

I cried the instant the picture came up on Google. It in fact was not a water moccasin. It as a Rat Snake. Completely harmless (except to rats). We killed a friend to nature and I will have trouble sleeping tonight. It meant us no harm and only wanted to cross the road.

RIP Snakey.

(the rest of it's body was severed by the car and in the middle of the road)

Rockabye my baby.

Tonight as we gave the little ones their bath, we realized we were running low on lotion and I put it in my mental grocery list that somehow gets longer each day...even though I go to the store almost everyday.

I took my sick son to his room and realized that my husband forgot to put lotion on his face and neck. Wanting him to be as comfortable as possible (because his fever is already torture enough) I rummaged under his sink and found a bottle of lotion.

I rubbed it on his face, neck and hair and put it back under the sink, then zipped him up in his sleep sack. I sat in our big comfy chair and held him close as I gave him some water and then his pacifier.

The minute I inserted his pacifier he sighed and leaned close, placing his head directly over my heart and curling his body around me. I leaned back and felt his entire weight on my chest. Then it hit me. My mouth and nose were buried right in the middle of his hair and my face was resting on his head. My eyes whelled up with tears with such force they shot down my cheeks on onto his hair.

The lotion I had quickly grabbed was the same lotion we used on them when they were newborns. I hadn't smelled that smell since they were 3 months old but it was enough to send my memories and my emotions into hyperdrive.

Like all moms, I have many regrets about their newborn stage. As I've said before the job of being a first time mom is the hardest thing you will ever do. You don't know what you're doing but you're faking it really well. For me, I was so focused on my task at hand (keeping them alive and getting them on a synched up schedule) that I didn't really enjoy the job.

I tend to be a goal oriented person and I saw my mission clearly. Unfortunately I missed a lot of the good stuff along the way. I see this is why women have second babies, to make up for all the mistakes and all that they missed with the first one.

Our family is done but I can easily admit that it pains my heart that I will not get that "second chance" to take it all in. I wouldn't care about crib training. I wouldn't care about spoiling them. I wouldn't care about becoming their sleep prop. I'd hold the next one with every waking second I had and let them sleep on my chest until they woke up again.

Once I had gotten a hold of myself I came back to the room. My son breathing in and out with my breaths, his warmth and his security. That little voice in the back of my head said, put him in his crib, you don't want him to get used to this or else he'll want to fall asleep on your chest every night. The other 99% of my brain slapped the shit out of that little voice and I laid there in the dark as long as I wanted. Until his drool soaked my shirt through and I could no longer feel my arms.

Crazy lady.

One of the most difficult things about being a mom is regaining your social life once it's stripped away from you. Pre-baby, for some reason all of us mom's thought we were busy. We had no concept of what "busy" meant until our little bundle popped out. It seems like life was put on hold.

It seems that for most women, this stoppage in life lasts for about the first year. After a year has past, our taste buds start to salivate for adult interactions once more. Some people are excellent at regaining their once previous lives. Others have a more difficult time with it. I try to not use my "mom of multiples" status as a crutch but inevitably I use it when it comes to getting out.

I'm tired. I barely have enough energy to make it through a normal scheduled day, let alone a normal day plus adult social life. When the kids go to bed at 7:30, all I want to do is lay down or collapse on the nearest soft object possible.

On the rare occasion that I do force myself to go out after dark, I find myself totally and completely wiped the next day. It's like having a major hangover after an intense workout...and then chasing and wrestling thrashing children all day. A few times I've even cursed my escape and told myself it's not worth the misery I feel the next day.

Daytime adult interaction is easier to come by but I have a small problem. Almost NONE of my friends are stay at home moms. The ones who are, are more like women I know rather than "friends". Yes, I should go make new friends but you always run into mass hysteria trying to coordinate plans around nap schedules, doctors appointments, mother's day out and grocery shopping trips.

So, what is this long rambling discussion about? It's about how I'm an idiot in need of more adult interaction.

I was coming out of Central Market with a million things running through my head. Lists were piling on top of lists. I got to my car, loaded up the back with the bags and heard two people approaching. It was a man and a woman on their way into the store for their late afternoon foodie adventure. The man looked at me and said, "Are you finished?"

I replied back to him that indeed I was not finished because "now I had to go to Krogers to go get more groceries because Central Market doesn't carry normal things like bisquick and then I had to head to Lowe's to pick up more lightbulbs for my living room, after that I have to go to Target to get some Easter gifts for my kids."

He and his wife looked blankly at me and he said, "um...I meant, are you finished with that basket?" as he sheepishly pointed to my grocery cart.

I look at them both as they stared into the eyes of a crazy woman and said, yes, I'm finished, ....sorry, here you go....sorry. I pushed my basket towards them and got into my car as quickly as I could.

Then, I burst out laughing at myself. What a dumbass I sounded like...of course they were asking about the basket, why would two strangers want to know if my shopping list was finished for the day. Facepalm.

Mom needs more people to talk to...that don't answer in one word statements.

My therapist

Every Thursday my son and I go to speech therapy. Currently he's working on his using words instead of sign language.

But each week I go it's slammed in my face 1) How lucky I am and 2) What a worry-wart I am.

I sit in the waiting room and I watch child after child come through that door. Zane is easily the most well off child. The other children are suffering from Downs, Autism, genetic disorders, physical deformities and the parents look beat down. Yet, there I sit with my smart phone texting with friends while my child learns how to ask for more bananas.

The guilt overwhelms me sometimes.

When children go back with their teachers sometimes the parents talk to me. The truth is I look busy with my phone so I don't have to talk to them. A few conversations that I've had always circle back to "So what's wrong with your kid". I'm too embarrassed to say, well nothing, he's just not talking on a schedule that's quick enough for me.

When the occasional parent does strike up a conversation with me I normally just listen because I'm sure they need to vent to someone. I've learned all the ins and outs of dealing with a seven year old who has downs and still has to wear a diaper. Or a child that is so lost in his own world that he doesn't even allow his parents to hug him.

One little girl is from an adoptive mother who when she received her from the system, the 6 month old had two broken legs and messed up wrists. She had been taken from an abusive mother who lived in a crack house. She still can't roll over or even hold a toy.

Sometimes I wonder if my son's therapy is really for him or it's more for me. Each week as I leave, I count my blessings and remain pretty chill about all things toddler for a few days. I guess everyone needs a little reality shoved in their face once in a while.

More at 11

A two year old little boy drown in his family's swimming pool in the city right next to ours.

Sexual predators don't scare me. Recalled baby toys don't scare me. Swimming pools scare the ever living crap out of me.

But what I couldn't understand about this tragedy is that the news was talking to the mom. She was just standing outside of her house giving a casual interview about how she was outside with her kid, decided to walk inside and go do something "real quick" and by the time she came back out he was floating in the pool dead.

She was looking right at the camera and giving a play by play. "Ya, I just went inside real quick like and by the time I got back out, there he was floatin' at the top of the pool and I thought it was a doll or somethin' cause it didn't look like him."

She even had makeup on and looked like her hair was done.

The news was quick to point out that the pool was ungated and there were zero safety measures in place for this "family pool".

If something tragic happened to either of my children, you can be damn sure the last thing I will be doing is sitting down talking with the local news. I would be so devastated that I probably walk around in circles in an unconscious state mumbling words until they took me off to the crazy house. Not only did her son die that morning, but it was also HER fault. I'm all for letting kids have freedoms but what idiot lets a two year old toddler play alone next to a pool?

I suppose people grieve in different ways and I shouldn't judge a situation I've never (and godwilling WILL never) have gone through but...she did her hair and makeup!

A Housewife.

You've worked your butt off all day. Making phone calls, arranging different appoinments and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Why can you clean ALL day and your house still look like a train wreck! The kids have been taught lessons on colors, numbers, letters and animals. Yet they still call everything yellow and zebras sound like cows. Just like yesterday.

It's 6 o'clock and dinner is ready. Your husband finally walks through the door and you greet him with a smile and kiss, as well as a look that says "I thought we agreed you would start coming home at 5:30".

Husband goes off to leisurely change clothes while you corral the cats to the table for dinner. One of the kids starts to get a tad bit fussy and husband launches into an alter ego who is intolerant of any toddler-like behavior. You scoff inwardly because if he thinks their refusal to put their cup on their placemat is ridiculous, he should have seen the 20 minute meltdown because you didn't allow she-twin to walk into the pantry for the 100th time that day and point to the cheetos.

His shirts are all folded and put away, he hasn't had to worry about clean clothes or a clean toilet for almost 2 years now. He drills you on why you forgot to call the exterminator and reminds you that spring is just around the corner.

And then the questions begin. The Why's? How comes? He can't understand why you get so upset with him. All day long, this is YOUR house. You've spent hours tending to it, making it as functional as possible; you've also been the leader of the pack - instructing children where to go, what to do, what not to do. ...and then he asks you Why!?! at any little request.

Could you put placemats on top of the washer?

Why!?

Could you wait before running the dishwasher?

Why!?

Could you please put these away for me?

Now? Why?!?

Then he really screws up and when removing one of the children's diapers exclaiming 'Why it's so wet?! When's the last time you've changed them!?' And gives you a short lecture on diaper rash potential versus time in wetness.

Sometimes husbands don't realize how hard it is to the be the CEO of the house all day long, and then have that title stripped from you the minute they walk through the door. You dream of the day that you could march into their work and randomly start questioning everything about their office. Is that a new pen? How much did your lunch cost today? It would be easier if you took notes on a larger note pad. Close the curtains in here, do you know how much electricity you're wasting!

You've finally finished your nightly chores, prepared yourself for tomorrow, made your lists, and checked them twice. Your bed stares longingly at you and you yearn for it's chilly sheets and soft pillow. Just as your body starts to relax and you're about to drift off...your back gets nudged. Why does everyone need all of you all the time.