Lying

I'm reading a parenting book (surprise!). But no, really, this one is different. This one is written for nerds like me. It's a collection of psychological theory, longitudinal studies, and child development. The reference and notes section is one-third of the book.

The current chapter I'm on is about "Lying". It's pretty fascinating. It basically states that lying is inherent to human behavior and is such a grey area that no wonder kids are so confused by it.

Kids see mom and dad lie all the time. I'm not talking about huge lies, lies that we do not see as lies because we have a more developed brain. One anecdote mentions that Mom was talking on the phone to a doctor and when asked how old the child was she said, he's six years old. The child got really upset and through some investigation the child was upset because mom lied. He had 3 more days until his sixth birthday so he was in fact 5, not 6. His mind couldn't wrap itself around mom's "lie" and mom couldn't figure out a way to explain how although it was a lie, it's ok.

It also talks about how we pressure our children to lie in social situations. If they don't like grandma or grandpa, or an old friend visiting, we make them interact and make them be nice to the person. To a child, this is a lie. If the child receives a gift they did not like, we teach them to be "polite" and say they like the object and thank the person. This too is a lie to a child. Their brains don't get the difference.

Then how do we teach our kids what the difference between socially acceptable lying and out right lying are? Their study showed that adults lie an average of 3 times a day. These include the whitest of lies. This food tastes great, I like your sweater, oh no...it's no problem at all.

Kids pick up on everything and I'm not sure how to handle these scenarios. My mom was a big time liar. Still is. I remember watching her at our family business lie to people all the time. "Yes, I sent that order yesterday!" As I was scurrying to put the order together for her right then. "I'm sorry I wish I could stay open later but my kids have soccer practice" I never touched a soccer ball in my childhood life!

If I'm my kids model, I suppose I'll have to choose my words more carefully. I caught myself the other day. At the park another mom mentioned that her daughter was showing off her new outfit they got for the upcoming dance (there is a daddy/daughter dance coming up in town). I looked right at the mom and said she looked adorable. She did not. She looked ridiculous and kind of slutty for a 3 year old. I wonder if the kids picked up on that one.

Pffffffttt

I went to go and purchase a Valentine's Day card for my hubby. I strolled up and down the aisles looking for the "humor" section. I don't really like mushy cards because I don't condone plagiarism.

I started opening up cards and much to my displeasure, all the cards had the same theme. Farting. Every single card I picked up was "honey I know you love me because I fart in bed", "honey you stand by me even after eating mexican food", "oh how I love you because you love my gas".

Quite annoyed at my selection I tried a different store. Different store, same theme. Gas. Gas. Gas. Isn't there something else humorous about a relationship besides rolling down windows?

I had to settle on a blank card and I will just write my own lyrics to my tune, but I promise you, the thesis of my words will not revolve around stinky matters.

Curiosity gets you no where

Today while driving the mini-van in front of me had one of those family sticker things. You know the kind with the little stick figures showing how many people are in the family. This particular one had a puppy, a little baby (with a bow in its stick figure hair), a boy, a girl, a mom, and a scraped off dad.

I moved closer to the bumper so I could get a better look. Yep, the dad stick figure had been scraped off. It's not like it fell off or was attacked by the windshield wiper, it had been picked off so that a little adhesive and a leg remained.

What happened to dad? Was it something horrific like he died in a car accident? Did he not make it through chemo? Did he lose his life in Iraq?

Or was it something less dramatic. Did mom catch him cheating and along with tossing his clothes out on the front lawn she also ripped his characakture from her soccer mom-mobile? Did dad up and leave one night and took his stick man with him too?

After the light turned green I drove up to the side of the van because I wanted to look inside. The lady driving looked uberstressed out. Her nose was about 2 inches from the steering wheel and she was very focused on her cell phone.

The next light turned red and we both stopped at the front. Had I just been in a random city on my way through town I would have rolled down my window and ushered her to do the same. I then would have asked her...dude! what happened to the dad stick figure?!?

But alas, I'm in my new town and chances are I'd run into this lady at the pediatricians office or something and my weirdo flag would proudly wave for all to see.

It's killing me though...what happened to dad?

NO! I will not make out with you

I ran into another mom who had 19 month old twins. Two boys. At first she seemed nice and then she went straight on the crazyometer.

She started talking so fast I didn't understand half of what she was saying. She asked where I lived, I vaguely said, "in the area". She suggested we immediately become great friends and hang out each day.

She asked what I did on an "average" day. I didn't know what she meant but I told her we try to have an outing each day such as going to the park. She said that she loved parks and wanted to know which one I went to and on what days. I told her I just rotate around, I never have one in mind before I set out (lie!).

She wanted us to meet up tomorrow. For a playdate. All day. I told her I had to take my son to get his first speech therapy session. She told me she would take my daughter for me, she always wanted a girl anyway.

That was the word that freaked me out. "TAKE" my daughter. I told her I already had plans but thanks for the offer. She wanted my phone number and email address. I told her I don't have an email address that I check regularly and I since we just moved here, I don't have a phone yet either.

She rapidly scribbled down her information and told me to contact her as soon as possible because we MUST get together.

I smiled, thanked her and told her I had to get going...now. She gave me a hug and watched me walk away.

I know mom's need friends. I know twin mom's need friends. But I don't want to be her friend.

Visitor pet peeves

Tonight I shall provide you a list of things I consider rude when visiting a mom. If you do not have children or have children and are rude, you may want to take note. Please remember I have a million pet peeves and these are only a few of them.

When visiting a mom, especially a first time mom or a new mom, beware of committing these crimes.

1) Looking good. Mom's don't look good. If you think for one second you are going to be the cool fashionable mom, you won't. You will be tired, look hungover and getting dolled up will include clean clothes and maybe some mascara. If you visit a mom looking like a million bucks, in a fashionable outfit, or even with straightened hair, just know it's not nice. Brush your teeth, throw your hair in a pony tail, put on an outfit you'd wear to Walmart at 11pm on a Tuesday night, and go see your friend.

2) If you are staying with a mom, taking a long shower or a long time to get ready. Similar to the first point, if you are staying overnight with the mom also be considerate. Do not take a deliciously long shower, then blow dry your hair, then do your makeup and then come out of the bathroom an hour later.

Most likely the mom is praying to God that you will come out of the bathroom as soon as possible so you can watch her child/children for 5 minutes while she just jumps in to rinse off. I promise you that no mom with kids under the age of 5 has taken what I call a full shower. Shower, wash hair, shave legs, shave nether regions, dry off, dry hair, do hair, put on makeup, get dressed nicely and walk out of the bathroom. It just doesn't happen. Don't ruin her day by showing off your lack of responsibilities.

3) Over zealousness. If you watch me interact with children you probably think I'm afraid of them. I'll change diapers, swaddle, watch after or do whatever is a necessity. However, I do not exude the zealousness of a Sunday school teacher. Keep note that this pet peeve applies only when the mom is present. When mom is not present, do whatever you like. But when mom is right there do not try to teach the child new things or be over-interactive with them. You may think you are helping by being a new mentor for this child, when in fact you are rubbing mom's face in dirt.

Mom's are tired. We have done the same puzzle a million times, we have read the same books a billion times, we have sang the same same same old songs until our head, shoulders, knees and toes are bleeding.

When you "the friend" are coming around, we want to talk to you. We are shifting our focus away from the little ones and want to talk to an adult. So sitting on the couch and teaching Johnny that this is a ball....a RED, ROUND, BIG, BALL...BALL, RED BALL, LOOK! A RED ROUND BIG BALL!!! is saying...hey kid, I know mom doesn't teach you crap so in the hour that I'm here, I'm going to teach you everything you're lacking.

This also includes attention. WOW! You're so smart! WOW, Great Job!!! ...friend...you can not make the child love you more than it does mom...quit trying.

If you're a good friend, you will have alone time with the kiddo at some time in your life. Then you can do all you want with them and pat yourself on the back for being awesome. But when mom is in the room, don't be rude to the kid but observe the child and talk to mama.

4) Asking if we are listening. Are you listening??? YES, even though my hands are flying around delivering graham crackers and folding laundry, I am listening to your story. When talking with a mom, it's best to just keep the story rolling. If there is an important point, maybe say it twice. But know that we are doing our best to keep up with your conversation. Queens of multitasking, we are hearing you, but our brains just may not be able to process an appropriate response other than "uh huh, ya". If it's something major...like you think you've caught herpes...wait until naptime or just wait and call after 9pm.

5) Giving a mom shit when she mentions or does something mom-ish. At one point in time we were all cool chicks. We went to concerts, we were never going to live in the suburbs and we could bong beers better then men. Times change. When your mom friend does or says something mom-ish, do not bring up how lame it is. Smile and look at it from her point of view.

Recently a friend came over and I excitedly showed her my brand new washing machine. It's badass people. I can do two loads of laundry and I'm done, FOR THE WEEK. It's industrial grade and so huge you could swim in it. Anyway, I showed it to her with mucho enthusiasm and she replied...are you kidding? if I ever get that excited about a washing machine, I hope someone just shoots me then and there. At that time I wish I had a gun just to take care of the job early for her.

Now, call or go hug your mom friend today. She's lonely and tired...and misses you terribly.

People I met today.

As you noticed, I didn't post last night. I was exhausted. I've come down with a cold, again. I'm trying to find out how I get cold after cold while my kids don't seem to catch them. Or if they do it passes in one or two days and mine linger for a week.

I went and visited another Mother's Day Out program today. Of course, this one also doesn't have openings until the fall but it was my favorite so far. I asked the director point blank if they taught the children Christian social issues. She stared at me funny and asked what do you mean?

I clarified and asked if they taught the kids about anti-gay marriage, anti-abortion, heaven versus hell, and other hot button topics. She said, you know, that is a VERY good question! I was scared because I was expecting her to say, of course! We need to build an army for the future!!! But luckily she replied, of course not. That needs to be discussed in the home and it is not our responsibility to plant those types of seeds in young minds. I was relieved and for some reason she started getting much more friendly with me and less "I'm your tour guide today". Score.

I met our new neighbor today. She lives across the street and they moved in this weekend. Being a friendly Texan again, I knocked on her door. She stared out the window looking me up and down for a good while and then slowly opened the door a crack and said, Yessss?!?

I said, Hi, I'm you new neighbor I live across the street.

She replied, uh huh?

I said, well I just wanted to introduce myself.

She opened the door a little more and said, ok, um, hi.

I said, I'm sure you're busy, just wanted to let you know if you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask.

She said, uh, ok.

I tried to be funny and said, but I don't know if I can help you much, we just moved in 3 weeks ago ourselves.

She asked, where from? I said, Miami.

She said, Oh, we just moved here from Florida too.

I said, GREAT! Well, welcome if you need anyth.....

DOOR SHUT.

Yep, she was definitely a Floridian.

I snapped a woman's head off at the park. My son was climbing a very very very very freaking tall slide and I was trying not to panic. He's not the most agile fellow. Meanwhile, my daughter was banging on the bottom of the slide, rallying her brother to come on down. There was another girl at the top of the slide about to head down so some lady yelled, Hold on honey, this little boy needs to move out of your way. I snapped, SHE's a girl. And then grabbed my daughter out of the way. The lady said, OH, I'm sorry, she just doesn't have much hair and I thought she was a boy. I said, no, she's not. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, she was wearing a shirt with a huge red flower on it, PINK pants and PINK shoes. (ignore the mismatch, it was like the 4th clothing change of the day) I don't know why it irks me so but everyone calls her a boy. At the super market, What cute boys! Uh hem, the one in HOT PURPLE with a cupcake on her shirt is my DAUGHTER.

ok...that about does it for my energy.

Mom's a bully

I never wanted to fight my kids battles for them. It was one of those pre-parent promises we all make. Like, I will never put my kid into a Sesame Street coma just so I can have a personal phone call without screaming interruptions. riiiiight.

We went out a lot today. I had to get out of this house. Pre-nap time we went to Chick-fil-a, a cooler more Christian version of McDonalds (yes that was snide but come on, they blast Christian Rock and Christian easy listening in there. Plus the lady at the counter told me to have a blessed day). We ate our blessed chicken and I conquered a big fear of mine: a community restaurant playjunglegymthingy. I chose Tuesday because most Mothers Day Out programs are Tuesday and Thursday, therefore I knew there weren't going to be tons of hacking, snot nosed children around. To my luck, we were the only ones in there. My kids loved it and were having a grand ol' time until two older girls showed up. They were probably around 7 or 8.

At first they just tolerated my toddlers but then when Lily refused to get out of one of their way in a crawl tunnel, the one with longer hair shouted to her friend, "UGH, I can't get around this stupid baby! Move baby! Get out of my way now!!!!"

My mom-dar shot up and I quickly crawled straight up the jungle gym (thank God I'm a stick) and crawled through the connecting tunnel and stared that little brat straight in the face. She looked at me in horror.

I said, "I'm sorry little girl, I couldn't hear you all the way down there, what did you say again?" She looked at her feet and said, "nothing." I said, "no, I don't think so, you said something. What was it?" She said, "well this baby..." I interrupted and said, "MY baby." She said "um...is in the way and I can't get to the slide." I said, "perhaps my baby is going towards the slide herself and you'll just have to wait your turn." She said, "ok..."

I crawled back down the tubes and sat back onto the bench. I saw my daughter smiling all the way down the slide and then run back up to do it all over again. Then I saw the girl come down the slide and quickly leave out the door, waving to her friend to come on.

Post-nap we went to the park, which is walking distance from our house and such a wonderful park. I'm so thankful for it and can't wait for spring.

While up on one of the death drop jungle gyms (I HATE fireman poles), I was splitting my attention between my son who was on one side hanging out near the large opening for the climbing rock wall (it's about 3 feet above my head so that would make it at least a 8.5 foot drop to the ground). And my daughter who was on the other side heading towards the giant twist slide (but of course it also has a giant drop right behind the slide entrance).

I'm watching from the ground when I hear, "NO! This is my slide!! You're a baby, this isn't for babies, this is for big kids, go away!!" I look up to see this red haired boy with a popsicle stained mouth standing in front of the slide blocking it from my daughter.

My daughter has her mother's genes so she was grabbing his leg and trying to pry him out of the way. The second his hand reached down and grabbed her arm, I shouted my sharpest "HEY!!" He looked down (mind you he's 3 feet above my head), and I said in my meanest mom voice, "Do NOT touch her young man!" He was in shock. I calmed and said, "This slide belongs to everyone, including her, take your turn and move out of her way please."

He came quickly down the slide and ran off to the swing set. My daughter smiled and came zooming down the slide, hopefully thinking mom was her hero.

As the kids get older, of course I'm not going to fight their battles for them. I hope they get in a few and I hope they even lose a few. But at their age, my mom protect-or cape is still flying behind me and I can't stand little brats.

Coming back

ok, I'm going to do my best to keep up with this blog. I love to blog but my exhaustion at the end of the day is leaving my eyes and fingers lacking for computer time.

A neighbor stopped by to introduce herself today. People do that in Texas, not so much Miami. She introduced herself as Dixie (people are also called Dixie in Texas, and maybe Alabama). She said she was a mother to 28 year old boy/girl twins. She said she had heard from the neighborhood gossip, named Ann, that I also had boy/girl twins. Then she warned me to stay away from Ann, because she, well, was a neighborhood gossip.

She offered her help in any form or fashion. If my husband is working late or out of town, she'll help me put them to bed. If she needs me to watch them while I run to the grocery store, she'd be more than welcomed.

She seemed so nice until her crazy side started to seep through her pancake foundation. She told me that she knew how hard it was to raise twins. Her husband was gone on business all the time because he didn't like having to raise babies. He hated it in fact and would avoid home at all cost. Her mother in law was a bitch and told her everything she did was wrong. She was all alone raising the kids and damn it if she didn't do a good job.

Her speech started to sound like a holy rollin' sermon, complete with hand and arm movements. I explained that I would love some help sometimes but my daughter is a tad bit afraid of strangers (scared shitless). She said that that was my fault for not exposing her more and I need to nip that in the bud right away. I replied with a polite but bitchy, "thanks, I'm working on it".

I listen to her drone on about how awful motherhood was and how if it wasn't for the kids finally moving out of her house she would have divorced her husband. Her son is touring Iraq right now and her only comment was lets hope when he gets back he can get a damn job so he doesn't come back home to me.

It would be nice to have someone stop over and help me put the kids down. But it just doesn't work in practice. Now I know why all my friends who had kids before me never took me up on my offers. I'd offer to put them down or watch them while they go out. I'm sure my friends were dying to take me up on my offer but they probably had kids that were terrified of strangers as well, and would spend the whole night wet faced screaming.

I'm working on letting outsiders into my daughters world. She's been quite hesitant but I can see her fear is waning a bit. At Christmas she let people play with her toys and yesterday she let one of my childhood friends actually pick her up and set her on the slide.

I guess kids do grow out of their issues eventually, but as for Dixie, she seems like she's been holding onto hers for a lifetime.