Copy cat

I found this on a friend of a friends blog. It made me cry. Why? because it's exactly how I feel right now...and I feel like a loser that I had to find it on someone else's BLOG and copy and paste it as my own feelings. But, it's also freeing to know that if at least one other person is feeling this...there are many many more.

"okay.. so i have to just post about why i haven't been posting much.

just know that when it's been a WHILE since i posted.. it's usually because one of two things:

1. i'm busy and having fun in life

2. i'm miserable and don't wanna post how depressed i am.

i know... you are gonna wonder next time aren't you!! HAH

CAUTION: i do NOT want ANY comments telling me how "wonderful i am" and how "everyone loves me" and blah blah blah. enos tells me that like every day and so it doesn't mean anything.

I am posting this because i think sometimes you just have to be REALLY real with your blogging audience. and so.... here i go (sick feeling in the pit of my stomach).... (i'm adding an extra dot for my sister who HATES when people use four dots instead of three.. so THERE!)...



I really hate my situation right now. I hate feeling alone every day. I hate going to play group and feeling out of place and like i could be dead and nobody would care. I hate nobody getting me. i hate that i'm in limbo with friendships. I hate that i don't make a bigger effort to put myself out there. i hate that people don't reach out to me anymore. i hate not having a BEST FRIEND anymore. I hate that i am so anxious to make friends that i act weird around people. like, not myself, weird. a different weird. an awkward, trying too hard weird.

I wish i had somewhere to go everyday. someone who told me to "get my butt over here!" randomly.

I am the kind of person who does TERRIBLE in large groups. i clam up and end up seeming really boring and bland when i don't consider myself to be either.

I LOVE one on one time where you are laughing and joking the whole time and being honest with each other and really just connecting. I miss having a best friend.

I wish i had someone who was just as eager to see me as i am to see them.

I want to do wacky things every day but feel like everybody is too busy or stressed to do them with me.

I hate that i know some of the other mothers will read this and feel like they have to say HI to me all the time... GREAT. nothing like fake, obligation hi's.


I hate that i'm feeling sorry for myself right now and i don't want to but i have to scream this out on the blog to get it out there.. to make it the last time i feel sorry for myself. i don't want to talk about this EVER AGAIN while i'm here in San Fran so i'm making this post all about the wallowing and self pity that i've been having so that i can get it out of my system and MOVE ON!!! I also want to use this as reference so when it happens again i can look back and see how i overcame it "last time".

The thing is.. i know that somewhere.. someone i know is feeling this way too but they aren't speaking out either and so we are BOTH feeling lonely when we COULD be hanging out regularly but instead we are both sad separately. that SUCKS."

and that is that. Too bad this girly lives thousands of miles away or we could hang out.

Divorce

I never thought about divorce until I had kids. In no way shape or form do I want to divorce my husband but the thought of it had never even crossed my mind pre-kids.

N^3 and I were talking about this and it is true. Before you have kids, you view divorce as, well if your husband is an asshole, or cheats on you, or doesn't put away the dishes, just divorce his ass, be a strong woman and move on with your life. Women who stay in shitty relationships are weaklings.

Yet, once the little ones pop out, it becomes clear the complications of divorce. More needs have to be met. When it's just you and your man, the only one you need to take care of is yourself when you leave the relationship. When you have children they instantly zoom up into the top priority of life. Staying together so the kids will not have to endure the separation, the alternating weekends, the stigma of having divorced parents. Also, there is a huge financial component to deal with. Kids are freaking expensive. They aren't expensive as in, oh I'll have to stop drinking my daily Starbucks expensive, think, holy crap I can't get my hair cut without going broke expensive.

If you are a stay at home mom, what are you supposed to do? If you separate you have to go back to work to support your kids, which means you won't see them, which means your life with your children is strained. Spending time with your kids may be worth it to endure a failed marriage. How crazy does that sound when you're not a parent yet.

If you are already working how are you supposed to be a single parent when you've gotten so used to the swing of dual parenting? You probably hate how little time you get to spend with your child, now it's going to be even less because you are going to have to share custody!

Anyway, crazy topic, but it's amazing to me how in your early 20s you just think you know everything. When you get married you really think you know everything and when you have a baby you think you know everything. What's the next step? I feel pretty knowledgeable right now. What do I have no idea about.....

(once again reiterating: happy in my marriage, no desire for divorce, thinking out loud...ok creeping back out the door)

Leave them alone. Moms of Multiples (MOMs).

Today I was coming out of an appointment, shivering from the cold table I laid on forever and I noticed a crowd of people that had gathered at the front of the building. I gave the valet my ticket and kind of peeked over to see what the hubbub was about.

There was a young woman with triplet girls, trying to get them into her car. I'm not kidding when I say there were 10-12 people crowded around her stroller and the car.

"Honey! how do you manage!" "Oh My God! Are they triplets!" "Uh uh, no thank you, you are a better woman than I" "Were they natural!" "Are they good babies" "Do you have help at night!" "OMG!"

I felt so bad for this poor woman. All she wanted to do is load her 3, 5 month old triplets into her car and these people would not leave her alone. They kept getting in her way and goochie-gooing the babies. She was trying to keep her focus as to, have I buckled "A" in properly, where is "B"s pacifier, is "C" upset right now....etc. Yet people felt that she had become community property along with her babies.

Being a mom of twins I get that a lot too. Question after question. Including my most hated question, "Were they natural?!?" How that is anyone's business, I have no idea.

I was about 5 seconds away from stepping in and asking the crowd of people to please step back and give the lady some space. But, my car drove up and I thought it best to just leave her be.

So, here is my public service announcement to all out there. If you see a Mom of Multiples, leave her alone. She does not care if you think the babies are cute. She does not care if you know someone who also has multiples. Hell, she does not even care if you are a multiple. She is busy, stressed and trying to focus at the task at hand.

The best thing you could do is a polite smile and walk away, or if you have more balls, ask the crowd of people to take a step back, the freak show is over.