My wedding stressed me the hell out. It was awful. I couldn't fit into my wedding dress on my wedding day. If you look at my pictures I look like I'm suffocating. Why? Because I'm in physical pain. Thank you for the excellent seamstress who put all the boning in, sorry I gained 10 freaking pounds from the time of my final fitting to the day of my wedding.
So why was my honeymoon so awful? Well, my husband said he would plan it. And like a man, he planned a place for us to go and how to get there. Once we got there he was like, "so what do you want to do?" I said, "well what did you plan for us to do?" He said, "oh, nothing". All of the excursions were booked up he hadn't looked at the area so we had no idea what was down the road and we had no transportation. Ok, details. But here's really why my honeymoon sucked.
Not only was I on my period, but I had a UTI because I was passing another kidney stone. Awesome!
I was also so exhausted from my wedding stress extravaganza (ps we lost our reception place 3 months before the wedding) that I slept the entire week we were there. My husband likes to joke about it but it's the truth. I think there are only two pictures of me conscious during our stay, every other picture is of me sleeping at some location at the resort.
The icing on my shit honeymoon was brought to me by the Animal Planet en Espanol. While lying in bed half awake at 2pmish I was surfing through the channels (because we had nothing freaking planned to do) and I came across a program about Hippos. I love animals, I love hippos, so I was intrigued.
I nestled down and started watching. This was a documentary following a bloat of hippos (ya I freaking know that!). A mama hippo had just given birth and they were documenting the rest of the bloat accepting the baby hippo. They showed the baby nursing on it's mom, they showed the mom nuzzling her little baby. After a few weeks it was time for the mom to bring the baby to the bloat and introduce her little bundle of joy.
Mama bring in the baby and the other hippos circle around it. The baby hippo is having a good time splashing with all of its aunts and uncles and the mama is right next to it and I swear she was smiling. THEN a bitch aunt of the hippo comes between mama and her baby. The group gathers around the baby and starts tearing at it with their huge fucking teeth and jump on top of it pushing it underwater. The baby is screaming for it's mom, the mom is screaming for it's baby and after a few minutes, everything is quiet and you see the baby float to the top of the blood filled water.
The other hippos nonchalantly swim away and the mama is left their to nuzzle and grieve over baby. She stayed with her baby for almost two days bellowing out the saddest moans and cries you've ever heard, before finally leaving it to go rejoin the group. The closing remarks were, "and the bloat had decided to not accept the baby into their family." Cue music and The End.
What. The. Fuck. Now picture me, emotional and in pain, sitting up in bed with my mouth open and tears streaming down my face. My husband walked in and asked what was the matter (very concerned) I told him they killed the baby, they fucking killed the baby. Right in front of the mama. He turned to the TV terrified thinking it was a human and he said...The Rhinos? Why are you watching Animal Planet?!?
I ran out of the room, got another drink and sat on the beach in my misery thinking about the poor baby hippo.
I can never look at hippos the same again
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