Why my pedi's love me.

My son woke up yesterday with a fever of 100.1. Ok, yuck, hopefully it will go away. Two doses of Tylenol later it was at 103.1 by bedtime. Give Motrin, hope for the best. He wakes up this morning with a 104.5, hmmm...not so good. He's tugging on his ears and trying to pull his tongue out of his mouth. I look in his throat it's inflammed, red dotted, tonsils swollen and he has no cough. MAN, looks like it's time to do a Saturday doctor visit. I had to make sure it wasn't strep just because I had strep my entire childhood.

These are not fun. Waiting room full of parents on cell phones and kids screaming about. It's first come first serve free-for-all that has some parents lined up outside the door before they even open, kids in their PJs, mom's looking annoyed. I wiggle my way up to the counter, sign in and sit down. I do what I normally do and start getting nosy.

Who has the flu? Who has a cold? Who do I need to keep as far away from as possible? You know all these kids are sick otherwise their parents wouldn't be wasting their Saturdays in this cesspool...or so you would think.

Over an hour passes and people start talking to each other because we're all bored. This is where things get interesting. Mom's start comparing whose child is most sick. "Well, mine's been coughing for a week with a runny nose", "Well mine's been coughing for two weeks with a runny nose and vomiting". I wonder who will hand out the ribbons.

Anyway. By stricking up conversations with this over-paranoid people, I got to play doctor. I figure that Gables Pediatrics now owes me 120 dollars for 4 copay amounts.

Patient #1

The lady next to me has a two month old dozing nicely in her stroller. I ask her what's wrong (b/c I feel bad for any poor 2 month old that is sick). Mom says, "she's congested, she's been congested all week and I'm tired of it." I say, "does she have a fever?" Mom says, "no". I ask her if she is suctioning, using a humidifier and taking her into the bathroom with the shower running. No, no and no. She says, "I've been here twice this week already and she's still stuffy, I've had it." I ask her why she is not doing the things that the doctor has told her to do. Her answer, she cries if I try to suction, I don't want to go buy a humidifier and I don't have time to deal with her when I shower.

My diagnosis: She's stuffy.

My treatment: I instruct her to buy a humidifier, steam her in the shower twice a day, and give proper instructions on how to use saline and suction. I was trained by the respiratory therapists at Texas Children's who told me, when you think you're going to draw blood, you're doing it right.

Patient Response: I'm not going to stick that thing up her nose and they need to figure out how to fix this.

Go home. Get out of my place in line.

Patient #2

A couple with a four month old. Is he not feeling well I ask. The boisterous mom replies that he feels fine but he has this stuff on his head and they have family pictures tomorrow.

My diagnosis: Cradle cap

My treatment: Cradle cap wash available at Target, use a soft bristle brush

Patient response: Cradle cap, I've never heard of that, but whatever it is, it needs to come off today for the pictures.

My response: It won't and there is nothing they can do for you here.

Go home. Get out of my place in line.

Patient #3

5 month old girl. Mom says, ya, she has this rash on her arms and legs. I don't know what it is. I ask, does she have a fever or has she had a fever? Mom says, "no she's fine, I just don't know what this rash is." I look at the mom's ankles.

My diagnosis: Flea bites.

My treatment: Call exterminator, dip your dog, spray the backyard, go to a relatives house until fixed.

Patient response: NO, that's gross, it's a rash I know it.

Go home. Get out of my place in line.

Patient #4

5 year old girl. Mom says she has the flu. I ask, fever? cough? lethargic? No, no and no. Little girl looks up from her Leap Frog and smiles at me. Mom swears she has the flu because a boy in her class had the swine flu.

My diagnosis: Munchausen by proxy

My treatment: Tell her what the flu really looks like and I think her daughter is ok.

Patient response: Disagrees and stays.

Go home! Get out of my place in line!

Dear all pediatricians. I am so sorry you have to deal with these freaking lunatics day in and day out. No wonder my pedi's have liked me. Kids only come in when they are really sick and I take full responsibility for their treatment.

My son ended up being negative for Strep A, Ear Infections, the Flu (even though I told them it was not necessary to test, but hey it's money from the insurance companies), and teething. He just has some nasty virus that has to run it's course. In the meantime, he's miserable and his little tonsils are all swollen. My poor little chipmunk.