You see, although I love babies, I'm waiting for all my friends to hurry it up and pop some out so I can play with them. As far as having anymore of my own, no thank you. I got a two-for-one special and think I've got it all covered. I love newborns, but I love other people's newborns.
As previously addressed, I have thin-PCOS, so the whole "let's not get pregnant" issue has never really been an issue. If I'm not throwing out any eggies, well then, the chances of a fetus are pretty slim. But something amazing and terrible has happened. Since having my two bundles, my body has decided to repair itself. I did not have a period until exactly 1 year after my kids were born, and since that time I've had one every month. WTF.
Apparently, this is extremely common and it can lead infertile women to start pushing out children like no one's business. I'm sure you've heard similar stories, people go through hell just trying to have the first one and then wham! kid after kid starts appearing. Like that woman who had twins...and then 10 months later had another set of twins (kill me). All unplanned.
Back to my story, so because the "pull and pray" method normally ends up with two lines on a stick, my husband and I decided we need to take action. I tried the pill a few months back with the same result I had pre-babies. Crankiness and depression. It's like a giant black cloud gets pulled over my eyes when I take the pill, I have to convince myself to get out of bed and force myself to smile when something funny is on tv. I hate it. Other options require surgery, which I'm all for, just not on me. I just keep imagining that if I get my tubes tied there is going to be this massive backup of eggs in my fallopian tubes and it will just rupture one day when it can't hold anymore.
I get to the grocery store and my husband text messages me to pick this item up. I text back, no way in hell. He says, how many times have I bought you tampons and tomorrow is my birthday. dammit. At this time I realize I don't have my wedding rings on either. The reason why this is such a big deal is that this is a very hispanic town, and by that measure a very Catholic town. Condoms might has well be hoods that the devil wears on his head. I approach the aisle and there are 3 guys on it. I circle around for a bit until all is clear and I rush to grab them. I get there and there are options. I didn't know there were options. I text my husband, what the hell kind am I supposed to get!?! He texts back anything just not magnums (sorry for that disclosure honey). I grab a box that looks ok. Note that there were only 3 options and they were placed high up on the shelf, so high I had to stand on my tip-toes to reach.
I quickly hide them in my basket under my eggs and laugh at the irony. Then I start searching for checkout people. Old woman. no. Old woman. no. Old man. no. Old woman. no. What the hell do they only employ old women here! Look, young guy. wait no. Old woman. no. Young woman. YES! Ok. I stack up my groceries on the belt and hide the box between my fresh fruit and veggies and cereal boxes. The girl starts scanning and I make eye contact with the floor. She then asks, may I see some ID? I flush instantly because I didn't know you had to have an ID to buy condoms. I scramble it out of my wallet and she said, wow, you look young as she hands it back. Then I realize she was carding me for the 6 pack of beer I was buying for my husband's birthday tomorrow.
Beep Beep Beep, she scans away. I realize there is no one to bag my groceries, woohoo! I run down to the bagging station and start bagging away wishing I had put the condoms further up on the belt. She finishes all the veggies and scans the condoms. Then, she looks at me. Right in the eye, then she glances at my hands. I'm not kidding. She looks back and keeps scanning with judgement in her eye. I reach to grab them and stuff them in a sack when I hear, "Senorita, let me finish". Just then a young bagger guy grabs some veggies and stuffs them in a bag. He pauses as he sees the condoms. He looks at me, smiles, and puts them into their own bag...all alone and hands them to me. Like they do with gum or cokes! As if I would be popping one on some random penis on my way out of the parking lot! I toss the bag as cooly as I can into the basket, pay and then leave as quickly as I could.
I got home and basically threw the bag at my husband, he thought my story was hilarious. I think it's hilarious that the box is going to stay in the bag tonight.
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