Christian Haunted House

When I was in 10th grade I was invited to a haunted house. I went along thinking it would be fun. Instead I ended up having one of the strangest experiences of my life. It turned out that this haunted house was not the ordinary scary mummy and chainsaw guy kind, no it was a Christian Haunted House (ooooooo). The haunted house was on a guided tour. Our tour guides were this guy and girl who were very properly dressed in polos and jeans. They walked us from room to room narrating a story that would then play out live in front of us.

This is how it went down:

Girl and guy making out and then they disappear into the dark mugging down like crazy.

Girl finds out she's pregnant

Girl gets an abortion (complete with surgical room and a cabbage patch doll dipped in red paint being ripped from behind the surgical sheet and thrown in the garbage)

Girl gets depressed about abortion

Girl turns to drugs

Girl hates life

Girl kills herself by hanging

Girl goes to hell.

At this point, we all go to hell. Hell is a pretty nasty place filled with red lights, people getting tortured, people screaming and heavy metal music blasting through the background. To me it just looked like a Metallica concert. The people I were with start getting upset and a few girls start looking at the ground and appear distraught. I started wondering when the scary stuff was going to start.

Then we all go to Heaven. The girl doesn't appear in heaven because she was banished to hell for being a slut, committing infanticide, doing drugs and killing herself. We got that message.

So we enter "Heaven" or a gymnasium with hanging white sheets, soft blue lighting, a stair case complete with Jesus standing at the top. The narraters start this fire and brimstone speech about how we are all not worthy to be standing in a room with Jesus and they dared us to look at him and confront all of our earthly sins. Jesus then descends from the staircase and since we are all lined up he drills holes in our eyes with his, walking down the row.

All the people in front of me start crying and blubbering, a few fall to the ground on their knees and the less melodramatic ones just look away, ashamed for their sins. Then he gets to me. My first thought was this cheeseball can't even grow a real beard so he had to paint his on. My second thought is, Jesus did not have blonde hair and blue eyes you caucasian loving Jesus freaks and my last thought was, seriously? He stares me straight in the eye and if you know me you know I don't back down from a challenge. I stare back. I scrunch together my forehead and raise an eyebrow. He stares harder. I keep on keepin' on. He finally gave up and moved to the chick next to me who collapsed in a heap and exclaimed, I'M SORRY.

After Jesus scares the bejesus out of all of our group (sans me). We are led outside to a tent where all these nice looking people are smiling, handing out donuts, OJ and pamphlets. In these pamphlets are the steps on how to become a Christian. I think there were 12. Some leader guy at the front invited everyone to grab a seat and sit down and pray. It was at this time, I looked at my ride and she was standing over by the edge of tent with a angelic smile...and then it hit me. I was freaking tricked into coming to a Christian Haunted House by someone who thought I needed saving.

I looked at all the people around me who were weeping messes confessing that they loved God and needed salvation. I grabbed my free donut and sat in the back. We finally left and I was an hour past my curfew. We had no cell phones back then so I just had to show up late and get my butt chewed out. I tried to show them the pamphlets and explained I was trapped in Hell (and Heaven) but it all sounded too contrived. Sorry Mom and Dad I was late because Jesus was asking us to sign pledge cards. They didn't buy it and I ended up grounded for the next weekend...my birthday weekend. Thanks God.