Lonely

I had never known what it is like to be lonely. In high school I was lucky enough to be in the "in" cliche, my college was gigantic; full of friends and always something to do, and my graduate lab had a terrific camaraderie among us. Which is why I was so terrified about moving to a city where I knew NO one. It's something I suggest everyone does at least once in their lives.

I'm not talking move out to the suburbs so that you have to drive a whopping 30 minutes to meet up with some girlfriends, I'm talking, as far south as you can go in the contiguous United States.

Being alone has taught me a lot. First and foremost it has taught me how important a strong relationship with your spouse is. I can easily see how relationships can live under a delusion if there is constant outside influences. Of course, I think it's important for your relationship to have relationships, but when it's just - bam bam bam non-stop "other people", how do you know you can really stand to be alone with that one person day after day after day? Our relationship has had challenges we never would have faced if we were back in Texas, and it has only made us stronger.

Being alone has also taught me how much I value my friendships. My mom always told me that if you can say you have three "real" friends you are a very lucky person. Hearing this in college I thought it was the saddest thing I had ever heard. How can one person only have three friends! Well, let me tell you, even though Facebook says I have almost 450 of them, I am blessed to have only a handful of real friends. I appreciate them and love them now more than I ever would have imagined if I was still in the shallow end of the pool (Texas). It's more difficult and takes a lot more effort but it has made me realize the importance of deeper relationships. Keeping a closer knit circle allows me to focus my limited time on those I love, trust, and need. I schedule phone dates with a few of them and others I keep up with through long running email chains but I'm thankful to have them in my life.

While being alone has made me realize all these things, the realization does not replace the ever present loneliness. I've tried to make some friends here, but it is so hard to start over. And to be completely rude, if you are an educated young woman here, you are working. The stay at home mom's I've met here do not have that much in common with me. I've tried, but really, I have no clue what "The Hills" are or anything of that matter.

Having two toddlers also makes it a tad difficult for mere scheduling and physical reasons. A lady invited me over to her house and has yet to invite me back after my twosome ran like wild animals through her house and stole all her kids snacks. The only time available was during their normal nap time so you can guess things got a bit out of hand (and cranky).

Today I was cleaning my windows that look out on our backyard. I started tearing up for no reason, when I tried to figure out what was going on, I realized how much I missed my mom, my friends, people for that matter. There I stood, in the silence as my kids slept, scrubbing a window for no one. There are no people to come over and see my streak free windows or admire the fall centerpiece I made for our table out of bowls and different colored gourds.

Luckily, it seems we may not be in this land for much longer. Rumors at my husband's job are going around about our next location and they make me SO happy. I'm just going to hang in here a bit longer, but for now, I have to go because I have a phone date scheduled in 5 minutes with one of my dear friends back in Texas.