Visitor pet peeves

Tonight I shall provide you a list of things I consider rude when visiting a mom. If you do not have children or have children and are rude, you may want to take note. Please remember I have a million pet peeves and these are only a few of them.

When visiting a mom, especially a first time mom or a new mom, beware of committing these crimes.

1) Looking good. Mom's don't look good. If you think for one second you are going to be the cool fashionable mom, you won't. You will be tired, look hungover and getting dolled up will include clean clothes and maybe some mascara. If you visit a mom looking like a million bucks, in a fashionable outfit, or even with straightened hair, just know it's not nice. Brush your teeth, throw your hair in a pony tail, put on an outfit you'd wear to Walmart at 11pm on a Tuesday night, and go see your friend.

2) If you are staying with a mom, taking a long shower or a long time to get ready. Similar to the first point, if you are staying overnight with the mom also be considerate. Do not take a deliciously long shower, then blow dry your hair, then do your makeup and then come out of the bathroom an hour later.

Most likely the mom is praying to God that you will come out of the bathroom as soon as possible so you can watch her child/children for 5 minutes while she just jumps in to rinse off. I promise you that no mom with kids under the age of 5 has taken what I call a full shower. Shower, wash hair, shave legs, shave nether regions, dry off, dry hair, do hair, put on makeup, get dressed nicely and walk out of the bathroom. It just doesn't happen. Don't ruin her day by showing off your lack of responsibilities.

3) Over zealousness. If you watch me interact with children you probably think I'm afraid of them. I'll change diapers, swaddle, watch after or do whatever is a necessity. However, I do not exude the zealousness of a Sunday school teacher. Keep note that this pet peeve applies only when the mom is present. When mom is not present, do whatever you like. But when mom is right there do not try to teach the child new things or be over-interactive with them. You may think you are helping by being a new mentor for this child, when in fact you are rubbing mom's face in dirt.

Mom's are tired. We have done the same puzzle a million times, we have read the same books a billion times, we have sang the same same same old songs until our head, shoulders, knees and toes are bleeding.

When you "the friend" are coming around, we want to talk to you. We are shifting our focus away from the little ones and want to talk to an adult. So sitting on the couch and teaching Johnny that this is a ball....a RED, ROUND, BIG, BALL...BALL, RED BALL, LOOK! A RED ROUND BIG BALL!!! is saying...hey kid, I know mom doesn't teach you crap so in the hour that I'm here, I'm going to teach you everything you're lacking.

This also includes attention. WOW! You're so smart! WOW, Great Job!!! ...friend...you can not make the child love you more than it does mom...quit trying.

If you're a good friend, you will have alone time with the kiddo at some time in your life. Then you can do all you want with them and pat yourself on the back for being awesome. But when mom is in the room, don't be rude to the kid but observe the child and talk to mama.

4) Asking if we are listening. Are you listening??? YES, even though my hands are flying around delivering graham crackers and folding laundry, I am listening to your story. When talking with a mom, it's best to just keep the story rolling. If there is an important point, maybe say it twice. But know that we are doing our best to keep up with your conversation. Queens of multitasking, we are hearing you, but our brains just may not be able to process an appropriate response other than "uh huh, ya". If it's something major...like you think you've caught herpes...wait until naptime or just wait and call after 9pm.

5) Giving a mom shit when she mentions or does something mom-ish. At one point in time we were all cool chicks. We went to concerts, we were never going to live in the suburbs and we could bong beers better then men. Times change. When your mom friend does or says something mom-ish, do not bring up how lame it is. Smile and look at it from her point of view.

Recently a friend came over and I excitedly showed her my brand new washing machine. It's badass people. I can do two loads of laundry and I'm done, FOR THE WEEK. It's industrial grade and so huge you could swim in it. Anyway, I showed it to her with mucho enthusiasm and she replied...are you kidding? if I ever get that excited about a washing machine, I hope someone just shoots me then and there. At that time I wish I had a gun just to take care of the job early for her.

Now, call or go hug your mom friend today. She's lonely and tired...and misses you terribly.