Lying

I'm reading a parenting book (surprise!). But no, really, this one is different. This one is written for nerds like me. It's a collection of psychological theory, longitudinal studies, and child development. The reference and notes section is one-third of the book.

The current chapter I'm on is about "Lying". It's pretty fascinating. It basically states that lying is inherent to human behavior and is such a grey area that no wonder kids are so confused by it.

Kids see mom and dad lie all the time. I'm not talking about huge lies, lies that we do not see as lies because we have a more developed brain. One anecdote mentions that Mom was talking on the phone to a doctor and when asked how old the child was she said, he's six years old. The child got really upset and through some investigation the child was upset because mom lied. He had 3 more days until his sixth birthday so he was in fact 5, not 6. His mind couldn't wrap itself around mom's "lie" and mom couldn't figure out a way to explain how although it was a lie, it's ok.

It also talks about how we pressure our children to lie in social situations. If they don't like grandma or grandpa, or an old friend visiting, we make them interact and make them be nice to the person. To a child, this is a lie. If the child receives a gift they did not like, we teach them to be "polite" and say they like the object and thank the person. This too is a lie to a child. Their brains don't get the difference.

Then how do we teach our kids what the difference between socially acceptable lying and out right lying are? Their study showed that adults lie an average of 3 times a day. These include the whitest of lies. This food tastes great, I like your sweater, oh no...it's no problem at all.

Kids pick up on everything and I'm not sure how to handle these scenarios. My mom was a big time liar. Still is. I remember watching her at our family business lie to people all the time. "Yes, I sent that order yesterday!" As I was scurrying to put the order together for her right then. "I'm sorry I wish I could stay open later but my kids have soccer practice" I never touched a soccer ball in my childhood life!

If I'm my kids model, I suppose I'll have to choose my words more carefully. I caught myself the other day. At the park another mom mentioned that her daughter was showing off her new outfit they got for the upcoming dance (there is a daddy/daughter dance coming up in town). I looked right at the mom and said she looked adorable. She did not. She looked ridiculous and kind of slutty for a 3 year old. I wonder if the kids picked up on that one.